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Thursday, January 04, 2007

Complete Exhaustion

The Description:
It's confusing. There's a weight over my heart that's a hundred pounds. Anything and everything that is coming up in the next day or so that requires any amount of work already sounds like too much. I'm dizzy with sleepiness, and yet I'm not asleep yet. I delay sleep in order to delay the next day, the next routine, or the next possible surprise that life may bring. I constantly worry about taking care of things that should have been taken care of weeks ago, regardless of the fact that it's not my fault. Sad music is too sad, happy music is too happy, and mellow music too mellow. I don't know where to begin and I don't want to begin anyway for fear of ending. I want to be in a simple state of happiness, a simple inner calm of never sleeping and simply enjoying the present forever. Perhaps not the current present as I type this, but the present of approx. 24 hours ago when I was warm under a blanket with Alicia on a couch watching nonsense on TV.

However, being there last night is partly the reason I am exhausted to this extent right now. It was something I needed to do. But it didn't cure me of what I had hoped to be cured of. I want to be cured of the Army mainly, even though I can a good 3+ years until that happens. I'm sick of working day in and day out not knowing if the next time that f'ing phone rings will be a call from the Army saying we've been activated. If we do get activated, then holy fricking crap, let me KNOW! I am so SICK AND TIRED of not knowing! It's not that I don't want to go, it's what I bloody signed up for. It's the morons that came up with "hay guys lol letz make an 'alert' statos 4 unutz." There is NO F'ING REASON for alert status!!! All it does is put every single one of us on the edge of our seats as we try to get by with our normal lives. Stupid thoughtless pricks. I'd rather be told "we've been activated" and have a few months before going than to have "we're on alert, but that doesn't mean we're active. In fact, we can be taken off alert just as quick. So don't quit your job or anything. Oh, and don't tell your family." So basically... I might go to war, but maybe not, so don't worry about it anyway, but we might, although maybe not, oh and STFU about it kthxbai. Here's the problem. When I joined the army, I thought that was an automatic "hey, you might go to war. In fact, more than likely." And most certainly not "You might go. In fact, probably soon. But probably not. Don't worry about it. In fact, don't do anything different." So.. again.. my point is... WTF!

I am exhausted. I'm finally going to bed. I think I've decided that I'd rather get orders to go to Iraq this weekend than go another stupid week on edge. The Army Reserve would be great if it wasn't run my a bunch of farking idiots.
Currently Not Giving A Single Crap What I'm Listening To


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