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Friday, May 18, 2007

The Puzzle (Missing Half the Pieces)

Yep, you guessed it. The junge frau in the photo above (taken with my poor broken Yashica) is the reason I'm missing half the pieces to my puzzle. There are times when I struggle to understand my own feelings and thoughts. This is clearly one of those times. I am sitting here with a void inside of me. As emo as that sounds, it's true. There is no other way to describe the empty feeling that being away from her causes. I like to think of myself as in control of my emotions and such, save the few times I get completely fed up with stupidity. But here I am. Sitting in my chair, cold and alone. Yes, I just said "cold and alone" in a blog post. Don't worry, I won't be draping my hair over one eye, putting on some eyeliner, and squeezing into tight emo jeans anytime soon.. or ever. I guess you could say I really do rely on Alicia for a large part of my happiness. It's been that way with many of my relationships. For some reason, that's how I work. Don't know why, but at least it explains how poor relationships completely soured in the past.

But you know, on the verge of me asking her to marry me (no, I will not say when), I have thought a lot on our relationship together. We depend on eachother, regardless of how capable we are of functioning alone. I realize that I am allowing myself to feel the emptiness when she is away. I'm listening to "our songs" and closing my eyes, imagining she was near. Holy crap, I'm even listening to Evanescence more than ever now. When I saw Ben Gibbard (of Death Cab for Cutie / The Postal Service) in Nashville, the whole time I was thinking "I wish she was here with me." Any other time I'd be thinking to myself, "why am I doing this to myself?? Ugh!" But no, not now. Now it's exactly how I want to feel. Nuts? Sure, I plea temporary insanity. I do pass go, and I do collect the bones of your pets.

Medical update, my back is killing me with pain, and my right testicle has joined in the party more so than before! WOO! Yes, I'm drinking tons of water. More than likely this is a kidney stone. I hear that passing one is worse than child labor. If that's the case, then I'm assuming this is some sort of natural balance. Alicia and I want a lot of kids (yes, this is something we were shocked about when we discovered we agreed), so perhaps my body is saying "well, it's only fair if you get to feel it too." And I'm saying "OMG WTF BBQ IN MY PANTS THIS HURTS." I said that in my mind. Just now. Because suddenly it hurt. A LOT.

But further down the spiral (LAWL NIN REFERENCE) I shall be going to the mountains in north Georgia the third week in June! It's so beautiful up there.. I really can't wait. I'll be seeing one of my Uncles, two of my Aunts, and spending some good time with mom and dad. But even better, I'll have my camera glued to my eye the whole time. I'm pretty sure I can fill the 650 shots my card allows. Too bad I don't have photoshop anymore... yet anyways. Ugh.

Next, there's a change about to occur in EVE. I'm getting tired of the corp I've been in, The Plundering Penguins. It was great for a long time, and I really thought things were going to be great once we became a mercenary corp. No one logs on anymore and one of my best EVE friends left to be in another corp. A pirate corp. So after some thought (and some annoying time spent being hunted by wartargets with no one to back me up) I have decided to join my friend in the pirate corp. I'm going to try and manage my sec status so I can continue to do L4 missions, but sometimes it's just too awesome to open fire on another player when he foolishly jumps into our "claimed" lowsec system. Should be fun. I invested a lot into the penguins, but it's not where I want to be anymore. Oh well. At least I'm not joining Band of Brothers.

Listening To: Bush - 40 Miles From the Sun - The Science of Things


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